Tuesday, August 8, 2017

What Am I Gonna Do Now???!!!

Well gosh.....it's been a while....a long while....years long.  Where to begin??

Life got busy and crazy and the usual....the blog (if you could call it that) wasn't full time; life kept getting in the way, as it always does.

My husband died April 14, 2017 unexpectedly.  Wow....that's the first time I've put a date to it...in writing.  I never thought I'd see those words, from me, now.  In 50 years maybe, but not now.  My husband died.  The bad thing...or horrible thing....is there ever the word "good" in front of "thing" when death is involved?  Maybe if the person was suffering or ill for a long time.  But he wasn't.  We weren't good....we were unhappy and I was thinking of leaving.  That's what kills me.  I should have tried harder, I should have put more of an effort; I should have talked to him more.  But I didn't.  Instead, I internalized everything but my displeasure with him.

He sent me a text message shortly before he died.  I was out of state, with my friend and her daughters, having a good time; having fun; bitching about how miserable I was with him.  His text said "Remember, I always loved you".  I texted back "are you going somewhere?".  I should have called him then and there, but he, in the past, had always been so dramatic.  Making me feel guilty.  But this time, he did it.  What did he do?  I want to think he was being dramatic and just passed away, but my fear and anguish and inner turmoil and regret is that he took one too many pain pills....intentionally.  The coroner didn't do an autopsy.  Part of me is grateful, the other part wishes they would have so at least I'd know.  There was no letter....that I've found...as of yet.  Part of me also hopes I will....at least I'll have answers.  Did I drive him to this?  Did I push him over the edge?

Of course, all my issues with him disappeared the second I heard the words "I'm sorry, he's gone" from the Doctor.  Only my love for him was there.

Flashback, April 14, 2017....a couple of hours after the text message was received my son called me.  Me and my friend and her daughters were in the car driving.  We were going to some places in Columbus Ohio area.  My son was obviously upset...he'd come home and found Chuck unresponsive in the bed.  He called 911....he told me he didn't think he was breathing.  I tried calling my Dad who lived about 2 miles away but couldn't reach him.  I called my sister and told her and she and her husband went to get my kids.  I called Chuck's ex-wife Doris so she could call her boys (Chuck's boys).  I called the hospital, but he wasn't there yet.  I called again and got through to the ER doctor and I remember this so clearly, yet in a haze...we had gotten back to my friend's daughters house.  I was walking from the car to the front porch and was on her front porch and the doctor said "we tried everything we could.....I'm sorry....we couldn't revive him".  My heart and world stopped.  I remember crying out....like in pain or agony.  "No!!!".  I bent over, sobbing.  Chuck couldn't be dead.  He was so fucking stubborn!!  He'd been through 17+ surgeries!!  He was too hard headed to die.  Too much a part of our lives, my life, my soul, my heart to not be here anymore.  He promised he would always love me and always be there....that he'd never leave.  He was a rock, a boulder, Mt. Everest when it came to his love for those in his life.  It hurts my heart and soul knowing that those of us he loved have lost that.

And to be gone, in the blink of an eye, with no final touch or words or knowledge.  No chance to say goodbye, to ask for forgiveness, to feel his hug, his voice; to look in to his beautiful eyes and see and feel his love.  I know trillions have felt this pain as well, but it feels so individual and personal and unique; it's hard to imagine anyone else knows what I'm feeling.  The complete and utter loss.

And here I am, withdrawing from my family, from my boys.  Looking inward...all I see and feel is my pain, my loss.  I literally have blinders on.  I don't (can't?) see what's around me.  I know I need to.  This has caused irreparable damage to my relationship with my sisters.  My dad was ill and died one month later (on my son's birthday) and I wasn't there for him.  I didn't call when I promised to...go see him, nothing.  Because all I could see was inside me.  I literally feel like my back is to the entire world and all I can see is inside myself.  I know there are others around me, asking me to see them, begging me to, but they're muffled.

I don't know what to hold on to....I mean I do...I need to hold on to God.  But I don't.  I want to and I know that it's all up to me to do.  But I feel like I'm living in a bubble and my children and family are outside of it.  The bubble is insulated, so I don't feel much of anything.  I can see (what I choose to see) and if outside the bubble gets too hard (like dealing with reality, day to day stuff), I just rush back in to my bubble.  I know it's wrong and I need to pop the bubble and get rid of it, but THINKING that I wanted to leave him and KNOWING that he's gone forever and ever and I.....what?  I didn't do the leaving?  I didn't try?  The normal regrets one has when someone they love dies or is it more?  Is it that I really wasn't ready to leave, just unhappy?  I want an answer because the wondering is killing me.

Speaking of killing me, being here, in this house, this town, this state kills me.  EVERYTHING reminds me of him, the turn in to the neighborhood, our friends, the exits on the highway, the local grocery store, our bedroom, our bed.....it's ALL HIM.  It's too much.  So, I'm uprooting my children from the only life they've known...my oldest has 2 years left of high school, my youngest is just starting and I'm moving to Ohio.  I used to live there years ago with my ex-husband.  My oldest son was born there.  My best friend in all the world will soon be back there.  Her daughters and their families currently live there.  But Chuck was NEVER THERE.  He never stepped foot in Ohio so there are no memories of him there.  I found a house and went up to register my kids in school and bring a few things to the house before the move and in an empty house, on an inflatable mattress, I had the best sleep I've had in months.  No memories.  Not that I want to eradicate them, but they hurt right now.  I want to heal without the constant reminder and presence of him.  Because it seems I was madly in love with him still.  While I may have eventually left....I'll never know....I do know that he was and is the love of my life.  He taught me so much about myself and relationships.  Not always in a good way, but, unfortunately, due to his death, I recognize how desperately important it is to TALK.

So I'm packing up my house...10 years of living and memories and STUFF needs to fit in a 26' Uhaul truck,  What doesn't fit...or what hurts too much....stays here.  I'm facing forward...fighting the urge and instinct to turn around.....but for now, right now, today, I'm facing forward.  It's raining and ugly, but I see the sun poking through.

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