Three days and counting. We move this Friday to Ohio. I have today, tomorrow and kind of sorta Thursday (that's when I pick up the truck) to finish packing. A 4 bedroom house with basement that we've lived in for 10 years. I've not even touched my bedroom or the downstairs area. The closer I get to Thursday, the crazier I will be. The packing will get more and more insane and, in the end, it will all be in bags, unmarked, thrown all willy nilly in the back of the moving truck.
What the fuck am I doing is my motto lately!! : )
During the day, the daylight, I'm good. I'm strong, I feel good and confident. Once it gets close to the late afternoon, early evening and then night time, I'm plagued with doubt. What the fuck am I doing?? Is this crazy?? Am I crazy? What it is about the dark hours that brings uncertainty? Is it because, you literally can't see what's around you at night? Even though it's the same thing as it is during the daylight...if you can't see it, is it really there? Is something ELSE there? It's exhausting because you're on a see saw....up during the day, down on the ground at night. I like being up. Get some more people on the other end and LIFT ME UP!! Is that a metaphor that I need to let God handle this? I'm hanging off a cliff, to a rope that I've got a really good grip of. But I'm getting tired and I know I can't hang on forever. Do I depend only on me to climb up? Because I know I eventually can. I'll have a lot of mental breakdowns before then...a lot of anguish and heartache and pain and hurt. But I'm a physical entity that I can see, feel, hear and touch. God...is God. I believe in him, I know he exists, he has touched my life and shown me the way before. Why can't I let go of that rope? I know he'll catch me. Won't he? Or will he let me fall because that's what I need to do? I DON'T LIKE UNANSWERED QUESTIONS! I have too many of them with Chuck's death.
And how do you let it go? How do you give it to God? When I do will I instantly stop worrying and hurting? Of course not.
Faith. It all comes down to faith. And I believe Hope...and Courage and Love. They're capitalized because they're important. They're the subject of this rambling post. Even though it's got a different title, Faith, Hope, Courage and Love is what it's all about.
I have to have Faith in God...and myself to live this life. I have to have faith that God will show me the way. Whether it's down first, then back up. God will show me the way.
I have to have Hope that what I'm doing is right. That I will have the strength to continue facing forward, that I will get a job when we get up to Ohio, that my boys will be ok, that the truck will keep working, that the nights won't bring such uncertainty, but rather rest.
I have to have Courage to keep packing up this house...not all willy nilly, but neatly and methodically...until it's 2pm on Thursday, and I've said "What the fuck am I doing??", then it's garbage bags galore. I have to have the Courage to lock the door to this house and get in that truck and drive 518 miles north to a new life with my boys and our dogs and 26' of stuff.
And I have to have Love. I love my children. I love my dogs. I love my sisters. I love my friends and family. I love Chuck. I will always love Chuck. I love him enough to let him go. He will live in our hearts forever and I know that I will see him again, happy, pain-free and, hopefully, waiting for me with open arms and a big sloppy kiss. And he'll say "what the fuck did you do?"
3 days and counting.....