Tuesday, August 8, 2017

3 Days Left....The Countdown Begins

Three days and counting.  We move this Friday to Ohio.  I have today, tomorrow and kind of sorta Thursday (that's when I pick up the truck) to finish packing.  A 4 bedroom house with basement that we've lived in for 10 years.  I've not even touched my bedroom or the downstairs area.  The closer I get to Thursday, the crazier I will be.  The packing will get more and more insane and, in the end, it will all be in bags, unmarked, thrown all willy nilly in the back of the moving truck.

What the fuck am I doing is my motto lately!!  : )

During the day, the daylight, I'm good.  I'm strong, I feel good and confident.  Once it gets close to the late afternoon, early evening and then night time, I'm plagued with doubt.  What the fuck am I doing??  Is this crazy??  Am I crazy?  What it is about the dark hours that brings uncertainty?  Is it because, you literally can't see what's around you at night?  Even though it's the same thing as it is during the daylight...if you can't see it, is it really there?  Is something ELSE there?  It's exhausting because you're on a see saw....up during the day, down on the ground at night.  I like being up.  Get some more people on the other end and LIFT ME UP!!  Is that a metaphor that I need to let God handle this?  I'm hanging off a cliff, to a rope that I've got a really good grip of.  But I'm getting tired and I know I can't hang on forever.  Do I depend only on me to climb up?  Because I know I eventually can.  I'll have a lot of mental breakdowns before then...a lot of anguish and heartache and pain and hurt.  But I'm a physical entity that I can see, feel, hear and touch.  God...is God.  I believe in him, I know he exists, he has touched my life and shown me the way before.  Why can't I let go of that rope?  I know he'll catch me.  Won't he?  Or will he let me fall because that's what I need to do?  I DON'T LIKE UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!  I have too many of them with Chuck's death.

And how do you let it go?  How do you give it to God?  When I do will I instantly stop worrying and hurting?  Of course not.

Faith.  It all comes down to faith.  And I believe Hope...and Courage and Love.  They're capitalized because they're important.  They're the subject of this rambling post.  Even though it's got a different title, Faith, Hope, Courage and Love is what it's all about.

I have to have Faith in God...and myself to live this life.  I have to have faith that God will show me the way.  Whether it's down first, then back up.  God will show me the way.

I have to have Hope that what I'm doing is right.  That I will have the strength to continue facing forward, that I will get a job when we get up to Ohio, that my boys will be ok, that the truck will keep working, that the nights won't bring such uncertainty, but rather rest.

I have to have Courage to keep packing up this house...not all willy nilly, but neatly and methodically...until it's 2pm on Thursday, and I've said "What the fuck am I doing??", then it's garbage bags galore.  I have to have the Courage to lock the door to this house and get in that truck and drive 518 miles north to a new life with my boys and our dogs and 26' of stuff.

And I have to have Love.  I love my children.  I love my dogs.  I love my sisters.  I love my friends and family.  I love Chuck.  I will always love Chuck.  I love him enough to let him go.  He will live in our hearts forever and I know that I will see him again, happy, pain-free and, hopefully, waiting for me with open arms and a big sloppy kiss.  And he'll say "what the fuck did you do?"

3 days and counting.....

What Am I Gonna Do Now???!!!

Well gosh.....it's been a while....a long while....years long.  Where to begin??

Life got busy and crazy and the usual....the blog (if you could call it that) wasn't full time; life kept getting in the way, as it always does.

My husband died April 14, 2017 unexpectedly.  Wow....that's the first time I've put a date to it...in writing.  I never thought I'd see those words, from me, now.  In 50 years maybe, but not now.  My husband died.  The bad thing...or horrible thing....is there ever the word "good" in front of "thing" when death is involved?  Maybe if the person was suffering or ill for a long time.  But he wasn't.  We weren't good....we were unhappy and I was thinking of leaving.  That's what kills me.  I should have tried harder, I should have put more of an effort; I should have talked to him more.  But I didn't.  Instead, I internalized everything but my displeasure with him.

He sent me a text message shortly before he died.  I was out of state, with my friend and her daughters, having a good time; having fun; bitching about how miserable I was with him.  His text said "Remember, I always loved you".  I texted back "are you going somewhere?".  I should have called him then and there, but he, in the past, had always been so dramatic.  Making me feel guilty.  But this time, he did it.  What did he do?  I want to think he was being dramatic and just passed away, but my fear and anguish and inner turmoil and regret is that he took one too many pain pills....intentionally.  The coroner didn't do an autopsy.  Part of me is grateful, the other part wishes they would have so at least I'd know.  There was no letter....that I've found...as of yet.  Part of me also hopes I will....at least I'll have answers.  Did I drive him to this?  Did I push him over the edge?

Of course, all my issues with him disappeared the second I heard the words "I'm sorry, he's gone" from the Doctor.  Only my love for him was there.

Flashback, April 14, 2017....a couple of hours after the text message was received my son called me.  Me and my friend and her daughters were in the car driving.  We were going to some places in Columbus Ohio area.  My son was obviously upset...he'd come home and found Chuck unresponsive in the bed.  He called 911....he told me he didn't think he was breathing.  I tried calling my Dad who lived about 2 miles away but couldn't reach him.  I called my sister and told her and she and her husband went to get my kids.  I called Chuck's ex-wife Doris so she could call her boys (Chuck's boys).  I called the hospital, but he wasn't there yet.  I called again and got through to the ER doctor and I remember this so clearly, yet in a haze...we had gotten back to my friend's daughters house.  I was walking from the car to the front porch and was on her front porch and the doctor said "we tried everything we could.....I'm sorry....we couldn't revive him".  My heart and world stopped.  I remember crying out....like in pain or agony.  "No!!!".  I bent over, sobbing.  Chuck couldn't be dead.  He was so fucking stubborn!!  He'd been through 17+ surgeries!!  He was too hard headed to die.  Too much a part of our lives, my life, my soul, my heart to not be here anymore.  He promised he would always love me and always be there....that he'd never leave.  He was a rock, a boulder, Mt. Everest when it came to his love for those in his life.  It hurts my heart and soul knowing that those of us he loved have lost that.

And to be gone, in the blink of an eye, with no final touch or words or knowledge.  No chance to say goodbye, to ask for forgiveness, to feel his hug, his voice; to look in to his beautiful eyes and see and feel his love.  I know trillions have felt this pain as well, but it feels so individual and personal and unique; it's hard to imagine anyone else knows what I'm feeling.  The complete and utter loss.

And here I am, withdrawing from my family, from my boys.  Looking inward...all I see and feel is my pain, my loss.  I literally have blinders on.  I don't (can't?) see what's around me.  I know I need to.  This has caused irreparable damage to my relationship with my sisters.  My dad was ill and died one month later (on my son's birthday) and I wasn't there for him.  I didn't call when I promised to...go see him, nothing.  Because all I could see was inside me.  I literally feel like my back is to the entire world and all I can see is inside myself.  I know there are others around me, asking me to see them, begging me to, but they're muffled.

I don't know what to hold on to....I mean I do...I need to hold on to God.  But I don't.  I want to and I know that it's all up to me to do.  But I feel like I'm living in a bubble and my children and family are outside of it.  The bubble is insulated, so I don't feel much of anything.  I can see (what I choose to see) and if outside the bubble gets too hard (like dealing with reality, day to day stuff), I just rush back in to my bubble.  I know it's wrong and I need to pop the bubble and get rid of it, but THINKING that I wanted to leave him and KNOWING that he's gone forever and ever and I.....what?  I didn't do the leaving?  I didn't try?  The normal regrets one has when someone they love dies or is it more?  Is it that I really wasn't ready to leave, just unhappy?  I want an answer because the wondering is killing me.

Speaking of killing me, being here, in this house, this town, this state kills me.  EVERYTHING reminds me of him, the turn in to the neighborhood, our friends, the exits on the highway, the local grocery store, our bedroom, our bed.....it's ALL HIM.  It's too much.  So, I'm uprooting my children from the only life they've known...my oldest has 2 years left of high school, my youngest is just starting and I'm moving to Ohio.  I used to live there years ago with my ex-husband.  My oldest son was born there.  My best friend in all the world will soon be back there.  Her daughters and their families currently live there.  But Chuck was NEVER THERE.  He never stepped foot in Ohio so there are no memories of him there.  I found a house and went up to register my kids in school and bring a few things to the house before the move and in an empty house, on an inflatable mattress, I had the best sleep I've had in months.  No memories.  Not that I want to eradicate them, but they hurt right now.  I want to heal without the constant reminder and presence of him.  Because it seems I was madly in love with him still.  While I may have eventually left....I'll never know....I do know that he was and is the love of my life.  He taught me so much about myself and relationships.  Not always in a good way, but, unfortunately, due to his death, I recognize how desperately important it is to TALK.

So I'm packing up my house...10 years of living and memories and STUFF needs to fit in a 26' Uhaul truck,  What doesn't fit...or what hurts too much....stays here.  I'm facing forward...fighting the urge and instinct to turn around.....but for now, right now, today, I'm facing forward.  It's raining and ugly, but I see the sun poking through.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Getting to know me - A to Z

Not that anyone is reading this, but here goes:

A - Age:  45.  I ABSOLUTELY do not feel 45.  I am (and this is God's honest truth) surprised at times when I have to give my age or I really think about it. As far as my mind is concerned (and most of the times my body), I'm in my 30's.

B - Bed:  Queen size four poster canopy. Lurve it!!  Trying to find the crocheted top to put over the canopy type.

C - Chore you Hate:  Putting laundry away.  Hate hate hate it!!!

D - Dogs:  Yeppers!  4 of them.  3 Yorkies and 1 mix (Retriever/Spitz).  They are the light of our lives behind the kids (4 of them also).

E - Essential Start to My Day:  Contact lens solution (I only wear one contact and can't keep that eye open until I put in the solution), then coffee.  Funny thing, I never used to drink coffee until about a year ago.  Now I MUST have it!!

F - Favorite Color:  In decorating, yellow.  To wear in clothes - for some odd reason I am drawn to white shirts.  Don't know why.

G - Gold or Silver:  My wedding ring is gold, but I generally like silver.

H - Height:  I used to be about 5'9, but the dreaded age monster has brought me down to 5'8.  Either that or I used to stand up a lot taller in my 20's!!

I - Instruments I Play:  Big fat zero.  Though I took accordion lessons for about 10 minutes in my early teens.  Then I caught on to the fact that any kind of social life I'd like to have in high school would be non-existent if I continued.  Plus it was really heavy.  I'd love to know how to play the piano though.

J - Job Titles:  Mom/Wife/Property Manager (for Homeowner and Condo Associations - 9 of them!).

K - Kids: 4 boys, 2 mine (Charlie 8 and Nick 10) and 2 of my hubbies (Tyler 17 and Kevin 19).

L - Live In:  Northern GA, Canton to be exact.

M - Make of Cars:  I normally drive a 2000 VW Beetle, bright yellow and I love it!! It's my Happy Car.  We also have a Ford Mustang Convertible!!

N - Nicknames:  In high school, I was Bubbles (honestly don't know why), Tumbleweed (my hair was evidently messy a lot); Other names as I grew older were Ter-Bear (I used to go by Teri).  My brother used to call me Tee Taw!!!  I absolutely hated it cause he'd say it like a donkey....Teeee Tawwww!!  I'm still plotting my revenge.

O - Overnight Hospital Stay:  Unfortunately a few of them.  2 for both my kids. I had placenta previa with my first son, so I was in and out of the hospital fairly often with that.  After the boys, I had a hysterectomy.  That's it!!

P - Pet Peeve:  People that pull out in front of me while driving even though there's NO ONE behind me.  Also people that drive SLOW in the left lane.

Q - Quote from a Movie:  A few!!  The two yutes!!  (My Cousin Vinny); Forget About It (very enunciated by Hugh Grant in Mickey Blue Eyes); Da Bears (Saturday Night Live sketches); Fine, Forget It, I got a thumb, I got a middle fanger (Urban Cowboy);

R - Right or Left Handed:  Right handed.

S - Siblings:  Two younger sisters and one older brother.

T - TV Shows:  I actually don't watch a lot of TV.  I have a lot of night meetings, so I'll watch some recorded shows like things on HGTV, but I generally watch what my hubby watches.

U - Undies - Yep...Victoria Secret.  TMI??

V - Vegetables I Hate:  Garbanzo Beans, the smell of cooked cabbage and brussel sprouts, though I've never eaten them.  Beets.

W - What Makes You Late:  Usually my hubby.  : )

X - X-Rays:  A few.

Y - Yummy Food that I Make:  Not much of a cook until my hubby and I got together.  Suddenly having to feed a family of 6 makes one a cook.  I love to experiment though and my family is very good natured about it.

Z - Zoo Animals:    Probably bears.  For being so big, they're very graceful.  And deceptively cute.

Now that all of my followers know more about me (all 0 of them).  I can rest easy at night!



Monday, October 10, 2011

Back To Reality

This past week, my hubby and I took off, sans children, to Virginia.  My oldest and bestest friend, Michele (we've been friends for 31 years) lives in Manassas VA.  While there, hubby and I had two days to ourselves.  We went to DC and Alexandria VA which he's never been to.  We took the train in to DC.  On the way back, we accidentally got onto the "quiet car" and got shushed for talking amongst ourselves.  Oopsie!!

The Capital

Hubby in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

Then on Wednesday and Thursday, Shelly and I took off to PA to gawk at the Amish shop.  We went to Bird in Hand, Intercourse and Lancaster PA.  Our heads were about to fall off, we were so busy looking back and forth!!  We both love the country style of decorating, so these towns with all their shops were like a first class ticket to heaven for us!!!  Of course we had to gawk at the Amish as well.  Don't know why but I'm fascinated by them.

Here's a video of our drive into town.  We're so pathetic, but we had so much fun!!

On Sunday and Friday, we all went to Williamsburg VA and then Gettysburg PA.  So much fun!!

We came home Saturday to some very happy puppies and children (his two older ones watched the two younger ones).

And on Sunday I did this:
Being in Michele's house and seeing all the loveliness on our trips got me inspired.

But now back to reality!!  With a bit of pretty thrown in!


Sunday, September 25, 2011

We Are Officially Rednecks

Friday night we went to a Monster Truck Show at the Dixie Speedway.  Something I NEVER thought I'd do.  Living in Georgia, there is always the "stigma" of being a redneck.  The South in general has that attached to it.  Though being from the North, to some, is just as bad.

Anyway, both my boys are in Scouts.  The Scouts said the Pledge of Allegiance at the show, so we sort of "had" to go.

I was SO not looking forward to this.

But lo and behold...it was actually kind of fun. (Don't tell anyone!).

First they did donuts:

They they jumped over cars.

But the best part was when the boys got to say the Pledge of Allegiance in front of everyone:  I always get emotional when the Pledge and the National Anthem are sung at events. I'm a proud American, albeit one with a red neck!


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Humpy Day or Wed Nes Day

When I was learning to spell the days of the week, I put the word (in my head) in a certain way so I would remember the spelling.  Wednesday to hear it should be spelled Wenzday.  When I kept getting F's because I "used my phonics", I resorted to the literal translation.  Wed Nes Day.  Wow!!  I was impressed.  I told all my classmates!!  Lookie here, this is all you need to do.  Wed Nes Day.  Maybe one or two used my incredible discovery, but the rest of them used good old fashioned "memorization".  Whatever, losers!!!

When I was in high school, I took typing (on a thing called a typewriter for you twenty somethings).  It was electric (good ole Ben conveniently discovered it when I was a young girl).  The teachers put a piece of cardboard over the keys so you couldn't "peek" at what you were typing.  (We were the future secretaries of the world after all).  To practice while not in class, I used to (and this is weird confession moment here....thank God I don't have any followers to actually read this) I would "type" my conversations.  Not on a pretend typewriter, but casually walking from class to class and keeping my hands down by my side, anything I might be saying in conversation to someone I would "type".  It was subtle, so no I was not "that weird girl who types when she walks thru the halls".  As weird as it was, it helped my WPM (words per minute) go up to over 100 at the time.

To this day however, I remain a rebel and I rest my wrists on the keyboard.  I know...I am OUT OF CONTROL!!  : )

So we're off to another day here.  10 days til my get away to VA.  I have a meeting tonight and tomorrow (I'm a community association manager for homeowner and condo association communities) and I have night meetings with the Boards of those associations.  At least having the meetings fills my days and they won't drag out like waiting for Christmas used to when I was a kid.  Did you know that time actually came to a stop in the late 70's right before Christmas?  It's true, because every December 24th for probably the entire 70's decade, time halted and EACH SECOND WAS AN HOUR.  FACT.

Am I rambling here or what?  I just don't want to leave yet and go to work because it's drizzling here and everyone knows with rain comes STUPID PEOPLE who insist on either driving 1 mile per hour (in the left lane on the highway) OR eleventy billion miles per hour.  Doncha hate stupid people??  Or really dislike them?  And what defines stupid?  Of course we all have our thoughts on this and our own threshold of "stupid".  We also all have "stupid" moments.  But there are people out there who are constantly stupid.  I seem to encounter these people on a regular basis.  The ones that walk in the middle of the store aisle REALLY SLOW and absolutely don't move when you SQUEEZE by them.  Or the people who, though there's NO ONE behind you, pull in front of you and drive SLOW.  Then throw their hands up when you honk/flash your lights/wave at them with your middle finger.

Or the people that call you to complain about living in a community with a homeowner's association (because you know a gun WAS held to their head to sign on the dotted line and buy that home).  Why CAN'T I let my grass grow as tall as I want?  Who are you to send me a politely worded letter to mow?  They take it personally as if the form letter which we send for "violations" is full of cursing/slander and threats.  It can't be more nice "Hello beloved Homeowner:  We'd just like to bring to your attention that your community's covenant state blah blah blah.  On a recent drive through it was noted that your grass is 5 feet tall and your house cannot be seen.  We kindly ask that you mow.  If you've already done so, then THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH AND MAY THE GODS SMILE ON YOU.  If you cannot mow your jungle lawn within 10 days, please contact our office and let us know when it will fit into your schedule."   It's really just like that....but the calls I get.  OMG.  They act like the letter said "listen you idiot, your frickin grass is overgrown. Go out and mow it you worthless piece of ***t!!"  While that's what I'd LIKE to say sometimes, it's no where near that.  So I calmly asked the screaming lunatic homeowner on the phone "how would you like me to enforce the rules in the community that you chose to live in?".  Usually they tell me to worry about the people that don't pay their dues (wow, really??? I never would have thought of going after those people...hmmmmm...why didn't I think of that?  Wow!  I could create a whole industry of people who go after deadbeats....wait a minute....WE ALREADY DO).

Happy Wed Nes Day ya'll!!  : )


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Odds and Ends

Hello ya'll (this from a Yankee born, southern raised girl):

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.  Hubby and I are on the countdown to our "get away".  Two weeks from yesterday, he and I are off to Virginia to meet up with my best friend (31 years and counting) and her hubby sans children.  Hubby's two oldest boys are "babysitting" for the week.  Kind of nervous, but they're both good kids and responsible.  His oldest is 19 and youngest is 17, so I think we're good.  Should I think, or know???  Hmmmm....

My dad is about 2 miles away so I KNOW we're all good.

While in VA we'll be heading to Colonial Williamsburg and Gettysburg as a foursome and then for 2 glorious days, my BFF and I are off to Lancaster PA and SHOPPING and then I think we'll SHOP and then, to wrap things up, I think we'll SHOP.  We haven't seen each other in over a year so I'm SO looking forward to this.  Her and I clicked from day one.  Have you ever known anyone like that?  We are so comfortable together and no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other or spoken, it's just like we've never been apart.  We kid each other and say we should just become girlfriends and get it over with (no offense intended in any way shape or form).  We've been to romantic get aways such as Put In Bay OH which if you've never been has been called the Key West of the north.  We've also journeyed to Niagara Falls.  Last year I went and visited her in Seattle (she moved to VA shortly after) and we made our way to Forks Washington (which is the home of the Twilight books).  We went to all the spots made famous including La Push aka First Beach:

Purty isn't it??

Anyway, her and I have been through a lot with each other.  Divorces, miscarriages, marriages, teenage anxst, you name it!!!  I'm really looking forward to seeing her again:

When her and her hubby are working, my hubby and I will be headed off to Washington DC. He's never been so I'm looking forward to taking him around. Then we he and I have one more day where we'll be on our own.  I'm hoping to be able to go to Leonardtown MD where I was born.  I was only about 2 months old when we moved back to TX where I great up (that and South Florida).

All of this sans children.  While I love my boys more than anything in the world.  And while I know I"ll miss them within hours of leaving, my hubby and I RARELY have alone time.  My boys are always with us because their worthless, POS real birth father never calls or sees them (are you sensing some bitterness there?  Hmmmm, I'll have to work on that won't I?).  So unless my sister and her hubby have the boys over for a sleep over with their cousins, hubby and I are always married with children.  While I wouldn't have it any other way, it's nice to have some alone time.

Anyway, Friday night was one of those rare outings.  Hubbie's youngest (Tyler) was with us so he babysat while hubby and I went to dinner at a charming spot known as 52 Bistro.  If you live in the Atlanta area, GO THERE!!!  They offer coupons on Restaurant.com.  We got a $25 certificate for $5!!!!!  $37 (appetizer, drinks and two entrees).  With the $5 for the certificate, we had to put out an additional $17 for the meal, tip included.  Regardless, the food was AWESOME!! The atmosphere, charming.  It's in the heart of downtown Alpharetta if you'd like to venture there.

Last night we broke in the hubby's father day present, a fire pit.  The boys and us roasted marshmallows and told ghost stories (note to self:  don't tell too scary ghost stories, cause the boys insisted on windows and blinds being closed, locked down and for us to check the room for hands that might crawl up the bed - thanks honey for scaring the bejesus out of them!!).  And I never knew my hubby was such a good story teller!!  I'll have to brush up on my skills.

Today is a lazy day...finishing up laundry, cleaning out my closet so hubby can finish installing shoe racks for me.  I'll be browsing the blogs and I think I'll drag out my rug hooking stuff to finish up a project from about a year ago.  My friend Michele (above) is an incredibly talented hooker (rug hooker that is).  So another bonus while up there will be to strip (wool that is) and maybe come up with some pattern ideas.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!!